Every couple who I work with has a degree of unreasonableness going on between them. I take each couple on a journey of different areas of life and ask them to rate other people with a score out of 10 for reasonableness. I mainly choose those in the headlines of the media at the time – they may be a politician, a high profile media personality, an intrepid social conscience change agent or an entrepreneur causing waves.
What do I mean by unreasonable? It is such a commonly used word we would think that it’s easy to know what is meant. I define someone as being unreasonable when that person ignores all evidence and logic and holds firm to an accusation or expectation of their partner no matter what the circumstances. Unreasonableness is strongly attached to blame and refusal to take any ownership or responsibility for a part of what has caused the upheaval. Unreasonableness is also strongly attached to justifying and protecting oneself.
My role is to help each partner look at their part in the problem to find a solution as much as it is to look at their partner’s part in the problem. It often comes as a surprise that their assessment of unreasonableness in media headline people is very similar, however their assessment of themselves personally doesn’t match up. Reflecting on ourselves as being unreasonable is one of the most challenging aspects of Couples Counselling.
Hence I ask you the reader here a few questions:
What does reasonable mean in your relationship? Is the reasonable partner the one who picks up the kids from school, who takes them to sport, who cooks dinner, who does the family finances, who budgets and so on. Or is it who behaves as the other partner thinks he or she should behave? Is the partner who classifies him or herself as reasonable the one who usually takes up the position of being right, the one who feels he or she puts more into family life and the relationship?
Well my experience is that one partner typically feels more in the right than the other partner about most issues that cause their fights. That “right” partner sees him or herself as the reasonable one and is quick to classify the other partner as unreasonable.
Hence if you are at odds with your partner about anything or about the same thing over and over, it can be quite helpful, and eye opening, to stop and take stock of reasonable versus unreasonable…..be honest with yourself now.